Hormones are Evil

I don't mean to whine, but I'm so hormonal I can't help it!

What's the deal with women's hormones anyway? Did the universe, in all its infinite wisdom, decide that pain, irritability, exhaustion, water retention, and out-of-control food cravings are punishment for not getting pregnant each month? Oh, no bun in the oven, eh? You're gonna be sorry...

Here's more than you wanted to know about me: I have a short cycle. I don't know the exact number of days, but it ain't 28! That means that I spend more than my fair share of the time battling moodiness and ice cream cravings from hell. What possible evolutionary purpose could that serve? 

Here's the real problem. I don't think I got any of the good hormones. Where are the energetic, go-get-'em, yay! spinach! hormones that other people seem to have? What about the crowd-working, center-of-attention hormones? The neat freak hormones? The I-love-aerobics-so-much-I-want-to-marry-Jane-Fonda hormones? The... oh, you get the picture. I'm absolutely certain that those hormones exist and I just didn't get any of them. Instead, I got the lazy couch potato hormones. And the "I'm too tired" hormones. And the "fuck you, Jane Fonda!" hormones. And the Ben & Jerry's hormones. And the "it's OK but would be better with sugar" hormones.

I understand the hormones that are all about attracting a mate and propagating, but what's with all the negativity? I don't want to be pissy for no reason. If I'm going to be in a bad mood, I want to know that it was caused by something external, something I can see, touch, and/or hear. I want to be able to slap it in the face or kick it in the balls. I want... mmm, you know what sounds good? Cheesecake. No, warm cherry pie a la mode! Brownies! Those really great chocolate squares with the gooey caramel inside. Oh. My. God.

Let's see... What do I have in the house? Apples. Peaches. Lettuce. My hormones do not want any of these things or any other things that are similar to these things. If it's good for me, then just forget it. My hormones are not interested. They want chocolate and candy and potato chips and ice cream, and I don't have any of those things!

Cue bursting into tears mood swing plus fetal position in t-minus 5, 4, 3,...